Stages of Grief
Many of you have never heard of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross however you may be familiar with what is known as the "stages" of grief. These are steps that every person encountering a form of grief will feel as they find their way through the black cloud of grief. You may not feel all of these in the same way, you may not recognize these stages while you are in them, and the length of time you spend in each stage will vary.
In 1969 Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published a book called "On Death and Dying" which identified these stages for the first time with the emphasis on helping those who were facing death. As with any theory there is controversy from time to time since this is not something that can be readily identified. Feelings and emotions are abstract yet for the first time society's and the world of professionals started to take a closer look at what grief actually entailed. Whereas once we hid our feelings and muddled through them as best we could with little or no support, now you will find dozens of books, support groups, websites, grief counselors and many other means of help available for the grief-stricken.
These stages may be found under different descriptive terms in various publications but basically they are:
1) Shock and Denial -
Because we can't quite take in the idea that something like this could happen to us our first reaction is usually shock followed by denial. "No, this can't be happening," we think. While we all know on the surface that deaths occur deep down we always think it will never happen to our family. We feel shock which makes everything appear a bit unreal, clouding our judgement. It can take a long time for reality to sink in and for us to accept this reality.
2) Anger -
People feel a need to place blame on someone's shoulders for bad things happening. They are angry at the whole situation. "Why me? Why my child?" One thing therapists often do is to have the grieving person write or "talk" to the person who has died since oftentimes we are angry at them. We are angry they left us, angry we are left here hurting so much, possibly angry at the situation which took them from us. We may have legitimate reason for our anger. A mistake caused by the medical profession, a drunk driver, some type of preventable accident. However, if there are no real places to aim those feelings we may just look for them. Unfortunately, we often redirect our anger at the wrong people and lash out in our pain. That overwhelming need to be angry at someone causes us to be unreasonable.
Another thing to consider, if you are a believer in God, is that we may be angry at God. We may feel He should have not let this happen. However, many people do not feel comfortable being angry with God and so they again redirect their anger at someone else. When I come across this situation I always ask the person do you believe God is your father? And, if they do, then I say weren't you ever angry at your parents while you were growing up? And certainly we all were at one time or another. But arguments are resolved and in the end we remember we love one another and so I believe it is okay to be angry at God. Sometimes being able to acknowledge that anger makes it easier to deal with and work through.
3) Bargaining -
This stage may be bargaining with ourselves or with God or whatever we think might help change the situation. We may feel if we change something about ourselves that will make the situation change. This occurs a great deal when we are in the process of losing our child. If they are sick or have been in an accident and we are waiting to hear the outcome we may frantically promise just about anything we can think of the make everything work out the way we wish. Sometimes we do this after the child has died irrational though it may seem as desperation leads us to radical measures. Many times, when the worst has occurred we are angry because we feel our bargain was rejected or we weren't given a chance to even try to make it work.
4) Depression -
Depression is one stage most, if not all, parents will go through after losing a child. The overwhelming feeling of despair can cause uncontrollable crying, a feeling that life no longer has a purpose, extreme fatigue and constant sadness. The person may sleep too much or not at all, eat too much or not enough and take no joy in anything. Quite often thoughts of suicide are present. If this happens professional counseling should be sought to help find a way to learn to cope with these feelings. While there is no time limit on how long each stage may last, if the depression does not seem to ever lift and is interfering with everyday life or your relationship with other loved ones (i.e. sleeping constantly and not getting anything done, possibly neglecting living children) then once again professional counseling should be considered. While it is to be expected every parent will most certainly go through this stage and may feel it is now a normal part of their life that isn't so. Eventually, as time passes, while the pain of loss will always remain, the feelings of depression will lift.
5) Acceptance -
This final stage comes about when the grieving parent finally accepts the reality of the situation. While the pain of loss is still there and, of course, will always be there, it has lessened in its intensity and now you can remember without losing control. You may find you can now share photos and stories of the person who has died more easily. The times when your grief feels overwhelming is much less frequent and you have now learned coping skills to handle those times. You no longer feel life has no purpose and you can plan for the future. You have more energy and can once again enjoy life. This stage will be slow in coming and so oftentimes the person feels they will always be bogged down in grief and sadness. The thought of feeling like this for years can be depressing and overwhelming. You may be "stuck" at one place or stage for a very long time and so believe that is as good as you will ever feel. However, with working through the feelings of grief whether on your own, with a religious leader, friends/family or a therapist, life will once again take on meaning and seem good. Belief in an afterlife makes a difference, too, as we believe we will be with our child again and that the goodbye is not forever. Finding peace with that idea is comforting and helps us accept the situation.
Medical students often use the acronym "DABDA" to help them remember these stages when studying for exams.
Because we are all different with varying life experiences we may handle these stages in completely different ways. The main thing to remember in handling your grief is that there is no right or wrong way to do so. The only problem which may arise is when you find you are "stuck" in a stage, your grief is radically changing your life and interfering with your family life, the feelings of hopelessness and sadness are overwhelming to the point that you are considering harming yourself.
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